Overclocked On Caffeine v.1.1

Dune: The Alternative Edition

182 minutes

It's hard to bash Dune when you get down to it. Yes, the acting is hammy as all fuck, the story's a convoluted mess in the translation from book to film, but when you consider the difficulties that were had in the decade of development it went through - a dozen different writers, with as many scripts being re-written from scratch, having its original running time cut from over four hours, if the legends are to be believed to less than two, having Kyle "Kiss of Death" MacLachlan in a leading role - hating it is like hating that well-meaning kid in school who used to cause mass destruction wherever he went, purely by bad luck. You can do it, but damn if you won't feel like a complete dick about it.

The plot is set in the year 10,194. The galaxy has been carved up like a terducken by three forces; the Spacing Guild, who are the only ones capable of transporting mankind between the stars since artificial intelligences were outlawed due to a rather unfortunate robot apocalypse several millennia ago ; the Great Houses of the Lansraad, an alliance (sometimes) of powerful noble houses; and the Padishah Emperor, who's nominally supposed to be in charge of the whole shebang. All three forces are vying for control of the desert planet Arrakis, the only place in the universe where the precious spice Melange may be found. Spice has many properties, such as extending a natural lifespan, unlocking mental powers and in great doses, can even alter the user's physiology. Considering the Spacing guild needs it to safely plot courses between planets, the universe literally runs on Spice.

Still with us? Good, because that alone was the backstory - here's what happens in the film itself.

The film opens (after the lengthy prologue/infodump) with the Spacing Guild informing the Emperor that they fear the power that may soon be born in one of the Great Houses, namely the Atreides. The head of the house, Duke Leto is due to take over Arrakis and all Melange harvesting, and the Emperor naturally assumes that the power lies with him, only to be told that the threat lies not with the father, but with his teenage son, Paul. The Emperor dicides to sic their hated enemies and former tenders of the planet, the Harkonnens on them with the intent of wiping them out, a job they take to wth great relish. During an attack, the House is destroyed, Duke Leto is killed and Paul and his mother are left to die in the deserts that make up 99% of the planet. Here, they encounter the Fremen, the people who live on the planet, and Paul discovers he may be a being prophecised as the one who will finally bring water to the waterless planet.

Dune is not a book that makes for a good movie. The plot is filled with political intrigue and backstory that has to be understood in order to follow the main storyline, let alone appreciate it. One of the original scripts would've resulted in a 14-hour long movie, and would've made a better TV series than a film (which, funny enough, is exactly what the Sci-Fi Channel would do 30 years later with a far more faithful and successful mini-series). The book itself is fantastic (as long as you stay the hell away from anything not written by Frank Herbert - the 'authorised' sequels and prequels written by his son are abysmal), but that's because it's the epitome of 'as long as it needs to be'. The movie tries to condense everything and, unfortunately suffers as a result.

The cast somehow manages to struggle along with what they have. Impressive when you consider the amount of sceneryvores that often appear on-screen: when you've got Patrick Stewart dueling with Max Von Sydow (better known to most of you as Ming the Merciless from the sublime Flash Gordon) for screentime, its a wonder the film doesn't tear in half. All it's missing is BRIAN BLESSED and the whole thing would disappear into a singularity of ham. It's Dune as pantomime, and when the Baron Harkonnen declares that he will see Duke Leto and his son driven before him, you have to resist the temptation to shout 'Oh no you won't!' Then there's Kyle MacLachlan. It's a wonder he never really managed to take off the way he should've. With the right script, he's a superb actor - just look at Blue Velvet, also by David Lynch. The problem is, he never really seemed to hitch his horse to the right film, instead deciding that The Flintstones and Showgirls were good ideas. His name on a film is something of a death sentence - you know he'll be good in it, but then again, you know he'll probably be the only good thing in it to begin with. And let us not forget Sting. How could we when he's oiled up and wearing a codpiece the members of Dethklok would consider excessive. If you take anything from this movie, it'll be Sting's groin.

The version I watched was a fan-edit, apparently cobbled together from about a dozen different sources, and it shows. While the majority of the film is pristine, every so often, the quality of the film will degrade horribly. It's fairly jarring whenever it happens, though thankfully the sound quality remains much the same. The edit is apparently about as close as we'll ever get to Lynch's original vision of the movie, seeing as how that legendary original cut will probably never surface.

As I said from the start, it's hard to dislike Dune. It's got a lot of problems; the plot's fairly incomprehensible to anyone not already versed in the books; hearing the character's inner narrative all the time takes a lot of getting used to; the cast is comprised of Large Hams to a man; but watching it is like watching a kitten trying to jump up onto a sofa - it's trying, but you know with just a little more effort, it'll finally get there.

And for those who've struggled this far: What do you mean my codpiece isn't sexy?!