Neil Gaiman - American Gods

592 pages

You should read this book.

Devil May Cry 4

PC

Total Playtime: 18 hours 37

Okay, let's get the bad stuff out the way first: Devil May Cry 4 is an excellent game hampered by a handful of niggles, a couple of bigger flaws and one absolutely huge gaping issue that makes you wonder what in the hell they were thinking. It's like having the star of your hilarious and genuinely touching romantic comedy come out at the end and start talking about that time he buggered a goat to death while out of his tree on perscription medication, we're talking critical levels of 'no wait, what?' here.

Devil May Cry 4 switches focus from professional badass Dante to new kid Nero. Nero belongs to a church known as The Order of the Sword as... well, it's never entirely stated what he does, but it's safe to assume he's part of some kind of elite guard by the simple fact that he has a big sword, he likes slaughtering demons and gets to dress however the hell he wants and no one gives him any shit for it. Rank clearly has its privileges, and all that. The church is dedicated to the worship of Sparda, who, as you might recall, sealed the gates between the demonic world and our world oh so long ago. While in the middle of a sermon about The Saviour, a major figure in their doctrine, who should bust in, but Dante, fabled Son of Sparda. Rather than sitting around to discuss dogma, however, he quickly rips the other guards in attendance several new ones before capping the pontiff right between the eyes, which is where the game begins.

To be honest, the storyline, while fun, is merely a gigantic plot device to get you moving to the next slaughter. You never really have to think to hard about it, which is a good thing: the brevity of the premise - there is a church, they are secretly bad, you must stop them - is a blessing in an age where everyone wants to create an astounding visual narrative that pushes forward the boundaries of what can be done in a game, yadda yadda. Yes, Hideo Kojima, I'm looking in your direction. You're a great game designer, but if anyone sees you heading towards a typewriter, their first priority should be to break your fingers. That's not a spoiler about the church up there btw: a) it's a Devil May Cry game, plot twists are less shocking events, more addendum to the list of people you have to beat the crap out of and b) it's a church in a video game: that already means there's a better than 95% chance they're gonna be evil to begin with.

So then, to the flaws. Right off the bat, there's the difficulty. Even on the easier settings, the game cheerfully kicked your ass from hell to breakfast. DMC3 Special Edition had its difficulty settings re-jigged to be more in line with the Japanese original, and still put up a decent fight. This game, not so much. In a single sitting, I was able to rip my way through pretty much all of Dante's campaign with no problems at all. The only stumbling block ever came with the bosses, one of whom strays way too far into frustrating bullshit territory for my liking. The fact that you have to face him again right at the end filled me with no end of joy.

Then we have the music. It's no secret that I value the soundtrack to a game highly. Give me a good OST and you've won half the battle and coming off the back of DMC3, I had high hopes. Perhaps too high, as the soundtrack is, as a whole, meh. The battle themes are okay, but nothing special, the boss musics are so-so and the ambiant stage music... well, you don't really notice it, so I suppose it's doing its job admirably.

The one trick they really shouldn't have missed is with the enemies. We're on a next-gen platform here, the future has arrived and all that bollocks. Why then, can I never fight more than 5-6 enemies in a single area? The DMC series has always been about action, about kicking everyone's ass all the time. From the moment you hit start to the moment you shout 'goddamn it!' and turn the game off because you were just served an entrée of your own derrière, you're beating the unholy crap out of demons from one end of whatever island you're on this time to the other. In the transition to the almighty PCS360 (see what I did there?) Capcom should've similarly upped the ante, throwing us headfirst into armies of abominations with only a pointy bit of metal for defence, sitting back with its arms crossed and a smug smile and asking 'now what are you gonna do?'. The only time they ever do anything even remotely like that is with the Scarecrows, the absolute weakest enemies in the game, and by that point, you should be more than capable of handling them anyway. I don't want to see the series go the way of Dynasty Warriors, I just want to live the cutscenes, cutting down minions of whatever Dark One we're beating up ths week, feeling like the baddest mofo this side of Hokuto No Ken.

Finally, we've got the biggest issue with the game, and in this day and age, one that's downright unforgivable. The repetition. So you're playing as Nero. You get to stage 10, finish it and get to take over as Dante for the next chapter of the game. How do they reward this? By making you run through the game in reverse. Yes, they make you go through all the stages you just played as Nero, but this time, in reverse order! So, you've got the joy of facing the same stages and bosses - including that one fucking boss - and they're all exactly the same, except for the fact that you don't have Nero's Devil Arm to slam things into the ground with. Though when you consider Dante and Nero play very similarly, there's very minimal difference between the two halves of the game anyway. If the game had been done from two different perspectives with accordingly different storylines, that would've been fine, but no, you're doing the same thing, just the other way around. It's so brazen, you almost don't notice all the steals from the very first DMC game - Nero's battle theme is a tarted up version of the original's, several enemies are lifted lock, stock and barrel from the first game, and you can't tell me Trish's appearances aren't unintended. It's lazy, it's sloppy, and Capcom, of all people, should know better.

Compared to its immediate predecessor, DMC4 is a disappointment. The third game was a triumph, breathing new life into a franchise everyone assumed was kaput after a disastrous second game. Devil May Cry 3 is easily the pinnacle of the combo-carnage style of gameplay, and will be a hell of a hard game to topple. It's worth stating then that, on its own merits, Devil May Cry 4 is still leaps and bounds ahead of everyone else, and that even with these horrible flaws, it's still more than worth playing. The controls are as tight as you could hope, making stupidly long and impressive combos a joy to pull off. Being able to get SSS ranks on the all-important Style Meter has never been easier, and as early as the 1/4 mark of the game, I was regularly hitting the upper end of the gauge with ease. The graphics are solid, Capcom somehow able to remember the one thing everyone else has forgotten in the rush to show off their new graphical prowess - colour. The stages are often bright and vibrant, the sudden transition to a sunshine-flooded jungle after traipsing around a dark and foreboding castle a very nice touch. More importantly, new boy Nero isn't the Scrappy Doo clone everyone feared he would be. He comes across as a more serious version of Dante (not that that would be hard) with occasional bursts of cockiness, making him less of a blatant copy than you'd expect. It'll be interesting to see what happens to him next - my bet is on a spin-off with probable cameo in DMC5 - but it's clear we haven't seent he last of him. Just wish he had better taste in women, because his primary love interest, Kyrie gets absolutely no character development whatsoever beyond 'she gets kidnapped and she can sing' making me wonder why in the hell I was bothering to traipse after her bland ass the whole time.

Devil May Cry 4 is a solid entry to the series, and it's a testament to the game itself that it manages to be fun even in the face of it's glaring faults. If Capcom hadn't been quite so lazy, and if the third game had never been released, it would probably be the best in its field, but as it is, it sits very comfortably right up there with the best. It could've been better, but for what it is, it's as good as it gets.

Aaaaaand done, Devil May Cry 4 has fallen before me like logic before a fangirl's wrath, I'm twitching like a cat on crack and Bart's sitting warming his harbls by the radiator. That has nothing to do with the other two, in case you're wondering, but you always have to do these things in threes. Just the first game in the series to do and I'll have finished all three DMC games! Don't seem myself tackling that one any time soon though.

Also, interesting fact, the PC version comes with a turbo mode in case your system runs it a little sluggishly, apparently a common problem with the PC version. On my setup, without, it runs about 10-15% slower than normal, with, it runs about 10-15% faster. So this entire time, I've been having to react faster than anyone playing it on the PS360. I think that pretty much settles that question then - I really am a hell of a lot better than I thought. Can I get a hell yeah?

Think I'm gonna go play some Secret of Mana for now. It's a nice game to chill out with. Hopefully it'll let me forget what they did to Lady as well. Once again: combat Catholic schoolgirl - good. Whore - bad. The first one might be fanservicey by itself, but it's a good kind of fanservice, y'know?

New Futurama movie is the best of the bunch. Was considering doing a writeup of it, though it's a bit of a grey area - technically, it falls into the 'feature-length episode' category, though really it's a full-length movie conveniently chopped up into four parts. Bit of a grey area, so I decided to err on the side of caution. If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do it right, damnit, my conviction is strong! Blame the case for the Prosecution on that one. Still, it's a major improvement over The Beast With A Billion Backs, which had no clue what it wanted to be, and Bender's Game, which was okay, but meh. Into The Wild Green Yonder is probably the closest to the classic Futurama feel thus far and, more importantly, has the most coherent storyline out of the bunch. Ending's a bit rushed, but, come on, it has Snoop Dogg as a judge. That's worth the price of admission alone!

Dune: The Alternative Edition

182 minutes

It's hard to bash Dune when you get down to it. Yes, the acting is hammy as all fuck, the story's a convoluted mess in the translation from book to film, but when you consider the difficulties that were had in the decade of development it went through - a dozen different writers, with as many scripts being re-written from scratch, having its original running time cut from over four hours, if the legends are to be believed to less than two, having Kyle "Kiss of Death" MacLachlan in a leading role - hating it is like hating that well-meaning kid in school who used to cause mass destruction wherever he went, purely by bad luck. You can do it, but damn if you won't feel like a complete dick about it.

The plot is set in the year 10,194. The galaxy has been carved up like a terducken by three forces; the Spacing Guild, who are the only ones capable of transporting mankind between the stars since artificial intelligences were outlawed due to a rather unfortunate robot apocalypse several millennia ago ; the Great Houses of the Lansraad, an alliance (sometimes) of powerful noble houses; and the Padishah Emperor, who's nominally supposed to be in charge of the whole shebang. All three forces are vying for control of the desert planet Arrakis, the only place in the universe where the precious spice Melange may be found. Spice has many properties, such as extending a natural lifespan, unlocking mental powers and in great doses, can even alter the user's physiology. Considering the Spacing guild needs it to safely plot courses between planets, the universe literally runs on Spice.

Still with us? Good, because that alone was the backstory - here's what happens in the film itself.

The film opens (after the lengthy prologue/infodump) with the Spacing Guild informing the Emperor that they fear the power that may soon be born in one of the Great Houses, namely the Atreides. The head of the house, Duke Leto is due to take over Arrakis and all Melange harvesting, and the Emperor naturally assumes that the power lies with him, only to be told that the threat lies not with the father, but with his teenage son, Paul. The Emperor dicides to sic their hated enemies and former tenders of the planet, the Harkonnens on them with the intent of wiping them out, a job they take to wth great relish. During an attack, the House is destroyed, Duke Leto is killed and Paul and his mother are left to die in the deserts that make up 99% of the planet. Here, they encounter the Fremen, the people who live on the planet, and Paul discovers he may be a being prophecised as the one who will finally bring water to the waterless planet.

Dune is not a book that makes for a good movie. The plot is filled with political intrigue and backstory that has to be understood in order to follow the main storyline, let alone appreciate it. One of the original scripts would've resulted in a 14-hour long movie, and would've made a better TV series than a film (which, funny enough, is exactly what the Sci-Fi Channel would do 30 years later with a far more faithful and successful mini-series). The book itself is fantastic (as long as you stay the hell away from anything not written by Frank Herbert - the 'authorised' sequels and prequels written by his son are abysmal), but that's because it's the epitome of 'as long as it needs to be'. The movie tries to condense everything and, unfortunately suffers as a result.

The cast somehow manages to struggle along with what they have. Impressive when you consider the amount of sceneryvores that often appear on-screen: when you've got Patrick Stewart dueling with Max Von Sydow (better known to most of you as Ming the Merciless from the sublime Flash Gordon) for screentime, its a wonder the film doesn't tear in half. All it's missing is BRIAN BLESSED and the whole thing would disappear into a singularity of ham. It's Dune as pantomime, and when the Baron Harkonnen declares that he will see Duke Leto and his son driven before him, you have to resist the temptation to shout 'Oh no you won't!' Then there's Kyle MacLachlan. It's a wonder he never really managed to take off the way he should've. With the right script, he's a superb actor - just look at Blue Velvet, also by David Lynch. The problem is, he never really seemed to hitch his horse to the right film, instead deciding that The Flintstones and Showgirls were good ideas. His name on a film is something of a death sentence - you know he'll be good in it, but then again, you know he'll probably be the only good thing in it to begin with. And let us not forget Sting. How could we when he's oiled up and wearing a codpiece the members of Dethklok would consider excessive. If you take anything from this movie, it'll be Sting's groin.

The version I watched was a fan-edit, apparently cobbled together from about a dozen different sources, and it shows. While the majority of the film is pristine, every so often, the quality of the film will degrade horribly. It's fairly jarring whenever it happens, though thankfully the sound quality remains much the same. The edit is apparently about as close as we'll ever get to Lynch's original vision of the movie, seeing as how that legendary original cut will probably never surface.

As I said from the start, it's hard to dislike Dune. It's got a lot of problems; the plot's fairly incomprehensible to anyone not already versed in the books; hearing the character's inner narrative all the time takes a lot of getting used to; the cast is comprised of Large Hams to a man; but watching it is like watching a kitten trying to jump up onto a sofa - it's trying, but you know with just a little more effort, it'll finally get there.

And for those who've struggled this far: What do you mean my codpiece isn't sexy?!

Drawn Together Uncensored S1-3

36 30-minute episodes

It's an interesting fact of television that, when someone thinks a show isn't going far enough, someone eill come along to push things that little bit further. So when sitcoms aren't biting enough, someone makes The Simpsons. When The Simpsons is becoming too complacent, along comes South Park. When South Park isn't being entirely offensive enough... well, Mat Stone and Trey Parker tend to do something about that themselves. They have a reputation to uphold y'know. So when someone decides that both South Park and Family Guy just aren't quite crude or twisted enough... then you have Drawn Together.

The central concept is of an animated reality TV show, and that gets abandoned as soon as they run out of jokes to make at the expense of Big Brother and Survivor (about 13 or 14 episodes in if you're interested). The characters are all broad parodies of cartoon archetypes - Princess Clara is a racist, homophobic Disney Princess, Xandir is Link from The Legend of Zelda if he was screamingly gay, Toot Braunstein is every fat joke you've ever heard rolled into the body of Betty Boop, and so on. The cast starts off broadly-defined, before quickly settling into their niches. It happens a little too quickly though: could they not have got a little more milage out of Xandir being a closet case before outing him? Isn't Princess Clara's unknowing racism a little more humourous than her being perfectly aware of what she's doing and reveling in it? Does Captain Hero have to have a storyline revolve around him in every last episode from the second season onwards? Really?

The uncensored tag, a major selling point for the DVDs certainly lives up to its name. Was it bleeped in the first run on TV? Then you get to hear it in all it's glory. Was it blurred or obscured in any way? Then it's there for all to see. While it's nice to hear what they think FCC stands for (hint: not Federal Communications Commission) half the humour is in the bleeping itself. The jokes just aren't as funny when you can hear every last 'fuck'. A few scenes are extended or altered as well, such as Captain Hero's line in "Xandir and Tim, Sitting in a Tree", changing from "...and I was leaking like a sieve" to "...and I was getting fucked in the ass more often", and in "The Other Cousin", when Blah's ride arrives at the end of the episode, rather than just being 'generic' retards, the bus is filled with likenesses of the rest of the DT cast. It doesn't add too much to the series, but it's a nice bonus for those who've seen the show a dozen times or more. And those who really want to see Toot naked. Which is a surprising number of people if the 'fanart' is anything to go by.

If the show has a problem, then it's not with the nudity, the swearing or even the racial slurs - give the guys their due, they manage to avoid the really, really obvious ones. Y'know, the kind that you have to be rocking HBO to get away with saying. No, it's the overlong jokes that are clearly there for timewasting purposes. You know the ones I mean, where a character sits and umms and ahhs for a solid 30 seconds, or repeats the same action for about a minute. If you've seen Family Guy, then you'll know and most likely have fast-forwarded your way through them more than once. It's trying to copy the "funny-not funny-funny" pattern you'll remember from the 'Lisa Needs Braces/Dental Plan' scene from The Simpsons, only instead of doing it sparingly, it's in every episode. It becomes really tiresome really quickly, and manages to grate even more than Captain Hero screen-hogging - at least that manages to be funny every so often.

If you've never seen the show or you're a fan who wants to know exactly what the balls of Captain Hero's nemesis look like in Charlotte's Web of Lies (and if you're a fan, you'll know exactly the scene I mean) this is the place to go. Otherwise it's still the same subtle-as-a-dead-whale show we all know and love with a few (questionably) nice extras