100 minutes
Adaptations of Marvel's heroes have been pretty solid of late. Iron Man was one of the best films of 2008, Wolverine and the X-Men has been a cut above the usual Saturday morning fare, and Wolverine Vs.
The troubled history of this film is legend, with previous Punisher star Tom Jane dropping out due to severe problems with the script, director and the direction the movie was going, and the final scriptwriter demanding his name be taken off after almost all of his script, minus one or two scenes was rewritten or removed. Still, the last Punisher movie had similar problems with the script, and it was a decent, if flawed movie, so I was willing to give it a chance.
First off, they've taken a lot from the comics, specifically the Marvel MAX mature readers series. There's references everywhere, from McGinty, the Irish Rastafarian (really) to henchmen called Pittsy and Ink, barely recognisible shadows of their comic-based counterparts, to a series of slides detailing some of the crime families Frank Castle had wiped out, all taken from the various storylines in the book. Even the scene where Castle throws the soon-to-be Jigsaw into a glass recycler seemed reminiscent of some of the special executions or interrogations from the game. If you're a fan, you'll have fun spotting all these little cameos and knowing winks in your direction. Which is good, because you're going to have a hell of a hard time finding any anywhere else.
The biggest problems lie with the actors playing Jigsaw and his brother, Loony Bin Jim. They seem to be under the impression that 'movie based on a comic' means 'ham it up like you're auditioning for a part in Batman circa 1960'. It wouldn't be so bad if it was actually enjoyable - BRIAN BLESSED! can chew the scenery like nobody's business and still keep you enthralled - but they just try too hard, Jim in particular trying to be a kind of unpredictable 'wacky' killer prone to random outbursts of violence and general silliness, but winds up coming across as an irritating twat.
Then there's Ray Stevenson. I liked Tom Jane. He wasn't a dead-ringer for the character, but you got the feeling that with a better script and more polishing, the film could've been something special. Thanks to his voiceover in the game, it's his voice I hear when I read the comics. The guy loves the comics and the character, and it shows - his love of the franchise was what ultimately led to him walking from the sequel, unable to put his name to a movie that would do the character justice. By contrast, Stevenson is a pretty good likeness. He's good in action roles (see Rome or Outpost and you'll see what I mean) and he's generally a pretty good actor. Problem is, he can't do an American accent worth shit. It's nearly a third of the movie - 26 minutes, I counted - before he gets his first lines, and you can hear the English accent behind them. That's not quite so bad, he's still a decent actor. What really gets me is that the producers feel the need to humanise him by adding a 'cute little girl that reminds me of my daughter' sub-plot. The Punisher is great in the comics because he is rarely, if ever humanised: he shows up, bad people die in a variety of interesting and creative ways. That's how he works and when there is a need to remind us he's not an Italian-American Terminator, it's usually done with a little more skill than this. The plot is handled with all the finesse of a 12-year-old's attempt at fanfiction, the girl being three steps north of an author-insert: "Molly-Jane, the girl that made the Punisher smile, adopt her and give up his life of vengeance!" It's as subtle as a pyramid in a sandpit and really hurts the film by its inclusion.
If that was it, that'd be enough. But no, there's lots of other little bits that only serve to irritate you more and more: why does Jigsaw's plastic surgeon feel the need to use horse-hide in his facial reconstruction? Is that a common replacement for skin? For that matter, why does Jigsaw suddenly gain super-strength post-disfiguration, being capable of snapping a man's neck with no effort? Why does Castle have a Batcave-style basement ("the Punish 'ment"?) in the subway tunnels? For that matter, why does his partner, Micro, have motorized fold-down gun display boxes with blue neon lights that would look more at home on the underside of a pimped out car above the doorways of his decrepit mother's house? Why does Jigsaw feel the need to recruit mooks with a Patton-style speech, complete with waving Stars and Stripes in the background in one of the most painful scenes in the entire fucking movie?! Why, why why?!
This isn't a bad movie that you can get drunk with friends and mock mercilessly, it's just bad. There are no interesting hooks to latch on to, no turns of phrase that you can repeat during lulls in the film for cheap laughs, something that even the 1989 movie with Dolph Lundgren managed! The only reason to watch it is for a moment when a free-runner jumps between two buildings and gets hit with a Stinger missile mid-leap. And now that I've spoiled it for you, now you don't need to watch it either. Avoid if you like action movies, swear blood vengeance against the producers if you like the comics.
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