Dhomochevsky Static Presents - Deadpool: The Motion Picture

We open on a slow pan across a large library/reading room. As we move about, that one bit of Vivaldi's Four Seasons that everyone knows (Spring? I forget) plays while the first few opening credits run. All very classy, all very dignified.

You know it's not going to last long.

A familiar figure sits in a large leather chair. He wears a large smoking jacket, a dignified Hugh Hefner-style thing, tiger paw slippers on his feet. At his side, a large, girly-looking cocktail in place of a glass of brandy, sparklers and parasols everywhere. His mask is pulled up halfway up his face to let him drink, a large red leatherbound book in his lap. As the camera swings over to him, he looks up.

DEADPOOL: Oh, hello! Didn't see you there. The name's Wade Wilson - Deadpool to my friends, 'hey you in the bushes' to the security guards at Hannah Montanna's mansion. And welcome to my humble abode. This is where I like to sit and meditate on the important matters of the day: who am I? Where am I going? How many hollowpoints would it take to drop the writers of that Wolverine flick because pee-yew!

He takes a drink from the cocktail with some difficulty. Parasols keep spearing him in the nose.

DEADPOOL: So, I'm sure some of you are unfamiliar with my exploits, my modus operandi. My 'bag' if you will. You've coughed up your money for the tickets, indulged in overpriced carbonated beverages and sawdust-flavoured pork products, and you sit down and suddenly realise 'wait - I don't know a thing about this guy! I only came here because Entertainment Tonight said it was good!' Shame on you! Don't you know fair-weather fans are the worst kind of fan out there?

He sighs and shakes his head.

DEADPOOL: You're missing out, man! Just think: all this time you could've been watching me kick Captain America in the jimmies -

A little yellow caption box pops up in the corner of the screen with *ping* noise

BOX: Deadpool Vol.1 #25

DEADPOOL: - saved Manhattan from a bunch of symbiote-powered dinosaurs -

BOX: *ping* Cable and Deadpool #50

DEADPOOL: - and had to save Sue Storm, Emma Frost, X-23 and a host of Nubile X-Teens from the insidious clutches of the nefarious Dr. Jelloniususeses' Dungeon of Erotic Spankings.

He looks down at the box, refusing to change.

DEADPOOL: We had a deal, Yellow Box!

BOX: *ping* Screw you, I'm famous now! I'm off to star in a Scarlet Johansen/Shia Le Bouf action-comedy adventure!

The box swiftly scarpers off the side of the screen

DEADPOOL: There will come a reckoning, Yellow Box. Don't think there won't...

He turns to face the camera, immediately cheering up as he does.

DEADPOOL: Anyway, normally, that would piss me off, but, well, we've got your money now, unless you downloaded this off the internet, in which case, we'll be round your house to staple your lips to your ass in the morning -

BOX: *ping* This ad paid for by the MPAA

DEADPOOL- so it all works out in the end. Now, I want to get serious for a moment. I know some of you who've been following my antics for years have had a few unkind words to say about this motion picture: that I've 'sold out' or that I'm not 'cool' anymore, and that a live action Deadpool would be 'teh suck'. Well, contrary to popular belief, I've actually had a long and fruitful career in the motion picture industry!

He holds up the book he's been holding. The cover is based on the Encyclopaedia Deadpoolica one-shot from years past. He opens the book, revealing stills from various Marvel movies - dramatic moments one and all - with his face (badly) pasted in. The best of the bunch would be the one from Blade Trinity: the pic used would be a shot of Hannibal King talking to Blade. The image of Deadpool's mask would be stapled on (with actual staples) to Wesley Snipes' head. As he turns the pages, soothing music plays in the background

DEADPOOL: Ah... golden moments one and all. And most of those films didn't stink! Provided your movie wasn't made by-

A blatantly obvious voiceover, possibly in the voice of James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman, butts in

VOICEOVER: - A talented rival studio we respect very much-

DEADPOOL: - because their movies -

VOICEOVER: - are every bit as valid and wonderful as those made by ourselves.

We cut back to a very nervous-looking Deadpool, looking up at the ceiling.

DEADPOOL: ...God? ...is that you?

He continues to look up for a few more seconds, before turning back to face the camera, giving a quick nervous glance back up.

DEADPOOL: Anyway, I've talked too long, and the underage kids in the third row from the back are getting twitchy. So, on with the show, and enjoy.

The music plays again, as the camera pulls back slowly. Wade picks up his girly cocktail, swirls it then takes a drink, sparklers still going. As we go through a pair of doors that swing shut smoothly, he stabs himself in the eye with a sparkler, letting out an almighty scream.

Opening credits proper consist of a load of animated crayon drawings signed "By Wade 'Awesomesauce' Wilson" and consist of him running around punching and shooting superheroes, both Marvel's and obvious knock-offs of characters from other companies. Annotations along the lines of "THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!" while grabbing Iron Man by his feet and hitting the Hulk over the head with him show up every now and then.